It’s hump day so enjoy this appropriately themed story from my life.
A few years ago I found out that I was allergic to latex and yeah, I probably should’ve known years before but I didn’t know that the symptoms weren’t maybe normal. I found out while I was at the dentist getting a cavity filled and my cheeks swelled up real big following that and it stayed for a few days. I went back and found out it is just a contact allergy so I don’t think it’s going be too life-threatening. This made me think of all the things that are made of latex and how possibly I should’ve known all along that I’ve been allergic. As you can imagine it affects many things.
Sometimes, most of the time, I forget that I’m allergic to latex. A few years ago, for Fourth of July we are doing a thing for work and handing out balloons to kids. No one wanted to tie the balloons. They couldn’t or it hurt their fingers. Blah blah, so I said I would do it. I get to tying balloons and after about the 8000 balloon that I’ve tied my fingers burst open and start bleeding and I’m like what the hell is going on, why are you bleeding? I look at the bag of balloons and remember or realize/read that they are made out of latex. Of course, I don’t think about it. I forget about it all the time. Everytime I need a Band-Aid, I go put one on and it gets red and swollen. I’m like, oh yeah, fuck, that’s made out of latex.
Several years ago, I got a birth-control arm implant and after three years I had it replaced with another one. During that time we never had to use any kind of protection while getting our swerve on. (Another time we will talk more about birth control and what I used, then why I stopped) Last summer, I had my birth control taken out and my husband was not quite ready to have sex trophies. Well, he can’t buy regular latex condoms because I have a latex allergy. I told my husband that when I got my birth control removed it would be his responsibility for baby prevention if that’s not what he wanted in his life. A friend told us about sheep intestine condoms and K goes off to buy them. They are pretty expensive, so we try them out once, fine they are different. OK, whatever. Better than itchy, swollen lady parts.
Apparently, one use makes you a pro. They are a very different texture and go on a bit differently. K thought he was a pro. The condom disappears. Not on the bed, the floor, nowhere we can see. So it must be in my vajayjay. We start googling on how to get it out of my vagina. I do all kinds of ridiculous things I won’t tell you about to try to get it out. I’m not too ridiculous, I didn’t stick some tongs up there try to pull out or anything like. I text my friend, Pocahontas. If someone is going to have something she is going have it so. I text her and I’m like ‘hey, do you have a speculum?’ She doesn’t so I explain the situation to her. She told me I have to go the doctor and I’m like really can I just wait because this is a Saturday morning, a few days before the 4th of July. She convinces me I have to do something about it today!
I go to the walk in clinic. When I get back to the room I tell the nurse what is going on and the lady burst out laughing and said yeah we don’t have the stuff here to help you so she suggest a different walking clinic. Of course, they weren’t open so I call my gynecologist office and leave a message with the answering service. When they call me back little bit later and I tell her what happened. She goes,’ well, honey just reach your hand up there and pull it out. I said, ‘well, honey I tried’. She suggested going to a walk in clinic I said I’ve been to the walking clinic they laughed and said they could not help me. ‘You’re going to have to go emergency room. Don’t wait; you could get an infection and blah blah blah blah.’
Fine. We are supposed to go to a friend’s house for a pool party so I told K to go on ahead and I’m going to go to emergency room and then I’ll meet them there. Just a few months before we were at the emergency room, for like 12 hours, so I decide to head to a different town to a little bit smaller hospital. It only took two or three hours to get called back. I told them, thankfully women, what happened. No laughing, they go in there and pull it out. I asked if I could have gotten it out and they said most likely not. It was really far up there. I also asked if I could keep it, they didn’t find that very funny.
So that’s the story of how we lost a condom in my vagina. Now after that, of course, Pocahontas ordered some plastic disposable speculums. We are prepared if it were to ever happen again. Thankfully, it has not but these are the things that happen in your life when you have a latex allergy.
Disclaimer: I voiced this post and emailed it to myself and then edited it. Worst idea ever! It took forever to fix my redneckness. It did show my how much I use the word, so.