Latex is not my friend

It’s hump day so enjoy this appropriately themed story from my life.

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A few years ago I found out that I was allergic to latex and yeah, I probably should’ve known years before but I didn’t know that the symptoms weren’t maybe normal. I found out while I was at the dentist getting a cavity filled and my cheeks swelled up real big following that and it stayed for a few days. I went back and found out it is just a contact allergy so I don’t think it’s going be too life-threatening. This made me think of all the things that are made of latex and how possibly I should’ve known all along that I’ve been allergic. As you can imagine it affects many things.

Sometimes, most of the time, I forget that I’m allergic to latex. A few years ago, for Fourth of July we are doing a thing for work and handing out balloons to kids. No one wanted to tie the balloons. They couldn’t or it hurt their fingers. Blah blah, so I said I would do it. I get to tying balloons and after about the 8000 balloon that I’ve tied my fingers burst open and start bleeding and I’m like what the hell is going on, why are you bleeding? I look at the bag of balloons and remember or realize/read that they are made out of latex. Of course, I don’t think about it. I forget about it all the time. Everytime I need a Band-Aid, I go put one on and it gets red and swollen. I’m like, oh yeah, fuck, that’s made out of latex.

Several years ago, I got a birth-control arm implant and after three years I had it replaced with another one. During that time we never had to use any kind of protection while getting our swerve on. (Another time we will talk more about birth control and what I used, then why I stopped) Last summer, I had my birth control taken out and my husband was not quite ready to have sex trophies. Well, he can’t buy regular latex condoms because I have a latex allergy. I told my husband that when I got my birth control removed it would be his responsibility for baby prevention if that’s not what he wanted in his life. A friend told us about sheep intestine condoms and K goes off to buy them. They are pretty expensive, so we try them out once, fine they are different. OK, whatever. Better than itchy, swollen lady parts.

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Apparently, one use makes you a pro. They are a very different texture and go on a bit differently. K thought he was a pro. The condom disappears. Not on the bed, the floor, nowhere we can see. So it must be in my vajayjay. We start googling on how to get it out of my vagina. I do all kinds of ridiculous things I won’t tell you about to try to get it out. I’m not too ridiculous, I didn’t stick some tongs up there try to pull out or anything like. I text my friend, Pocahontas. If someone is going to have something she is going have it so. I text her and I’m like ‘hey, do you have a speculum?’ She doesn’t so I explain the situation to her. She told me I have to go the doctor and I’m like really can I just wait because this is a Saturday morning, a few days before the 4th of July. She convinces me I have to do something about it today!

I go to the walk in clinic. When I get back to the room I tell the nurse what is going on and the lady burst out laughing and said yeah we don’t have the stuff here to help you so she suggest a different walking clinic. Of course, they weren’t open so I call my gynecologist office and leave a message with the answering service. When they call me back little bit later and I tell her what happened. She goes,’ well, honey just reach your hand up there and pull it out. I said, ‘well, honey I tried’. She suggested going to a walk in clinic I said I’ve been to the walking clinic they laughed and said they could not help me. ‘You’re going to have to go emergency room. Don’t wait; you could get an infection and blah blah blah blah.’

Fine. We are supposed to go to a friend’s house for a pool party so I told K to go on ahead and I’m going to go to emergency room and then I’ll meet them there. Just a few months before we were at the emergency room, for like 12 hours, so I decide to head to a different town to a little bit smaller hospital. It only took two or three hours to get called back. I told them, thankfully women, what happened. No laughing, they go in there and pull it out. I asked if I could have gotten it out and they said most likely not. It was really far up there. I also asked if I could keep it, they didn’t find that very funny.

So that’s the story of how we lost a condom in my vagina. Now after that, of course, Pocahontas ordered some plastic disposable speculums. We are prepared if it were to ever happen again. Thankfully, it has not but these are the things that happen in your life when you have a latex allergy.

Disclaimer: I voiced this post and emailed it to myself and then edited it. Worst idea ever! It took forever to fix my redneckness. It did show my how much I use the word, so.

Easy Peasy

I know I have been MIA. Living my life, working a little, and being a bit lazy.

I did a blog post for Jala Jala Foods last week. It is an easy craft that you can do. This is something a novice crafter can do or the kids. Mix up colors and use for any occasion.

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Go check it out here.  Also, check out Jala Jala while you are there. Everything they have is so delicious, I wasn’t paid to say that. You can order online or check out the over 100 locations where you can buy their products. I highly recommend the pepper jellies! Oh and the corn relish! And the bbq sauce, well ok all of it. It’s just good stuff.

I promise I will get back to blogging (fingers crossed)

Lots of Bubbles

For a while I have been a La Croix addict. If you look long enough on the internet you will see that La Croix has somewhat of a cult following. People who love it are addicted and people who aren’t hate it. Club soda and seltzer water are a shocking taste for some at first. I’ve heard its dry, taste like aspirin, and is just down right terrible. But like beer, fizzy water is an acquired taste for some. Let me clarify that I exclude tonic from this, no tonic for me!

I love it for many reasons. It makes a great soda replacement, for me. I like soda not because they are sweet but because of the carbonation. I am addicted to carbonation. Fizzy water provides the carbonation without all the other crap. I feel less guilty about drinking adult beverages with fizzy water because it dilutes it some, doesn’t have all the sugar and calories of soda, and adds nice fizz from the carbonation. Fizzy water also comes in wonderful flavors.

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La Croix has Pure (plain), lemon, lime, orange, berry (haven’t had it), CranRaspberry, pamplemousse (grapefruit), peach-pear, apricot, coconut, passionfruit, mango(yuck), tangerine, Cerise Limon (Cherry Lime), pomme baya (apple cranberry), pina fraise (Pineapple Strawberry), melon, kiwi sandia (kiwi watermelon), mure pepino (Blackberry Cucumber, my favorite), and Ni cola (haven’t had it).

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Then the neighbors introduced us to Target brand, Simply Balanced, sparkling water. It is just as delicious or maybe more so at this point because it’s new to the taste buds. It has some different flavors including cucumber mint, ginger peach, citrus, black cherry, tropical cherry, raspberry blackberry, watermelon, lemon, grapefruit, and lime. So far the ginger peach is my favorite but I haven’t tried them all!

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I like that they come in the tall skinny cans. Some of the La Croix flavors do as well. Simply Balanced is quite a bit cheaper than the name brand but that is significant for us considering how much we drink it. I’m not a big shopper at target for food, so I’m going to start keeping an eye on it to see how they go on sale or if they do. We are in such a habit of watching for La Croix to go on sale and majorly stocking up. Kroger usually always has it on sale but Whole Foods seems to give the best deals when it does go on sale.

Do you like fizzy water? What do you drink? Or tell me why you hate it? But do me a favor and give it another try!

…And they’re off

Hello all! How was your weekend? Did you watch the KY Derby?Growing up in Kentucky I feel like it is my duty to observe this as a holiday. I’ve never been to The Derby. Impart because I can’t stand to go near Looserville. I guess I shouldn’t hold that against The Derby.

The neighbors invited us over for a Derby party so first things first I needed a hat. A few hours after getting lost on Pinterest I had enough ideas in my head. So I headed where I always do, the Dollar Tree. Now, the Dollar Tree does not have a Derby section like they do luau or ‘Merica or whatever holiday is near. This is the time to get creative.


When you think of The Derby what comes to mind? Horses, roses, big hats, mint juleps, seersucker, betting, and more. Start looking around. In the kids toys I found a ten pack of horses for $1, then on what I call the craft aisle they had fake red roses in bunches, they also have green moss, and near the registers I found hats. Side note: I was there earlier in the week and they had ‘derby hats’ but on this day I couldn’t find them! Apparently, they moved them and I didn’t spend the time looking.

Here is what I bought:

2 packages of horses

A fedora and a cowboy hat

6 bunches of red roses

I did not buy moss because I already had some at home leftover from old projects.

DT is also a great place to but hot glue sticks!

I painted the horses gold! I had gold paint left over from a New Year’s Eve party I helped throw. So that makes it free, right??

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Then, I need to convert the cowboy hat to a Derby hat. I cut up some cardboard from the recycling bin to make a structure inside the hat. This will not make it look so much like a cowboy hat and add some strength to it.

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The tops of the rose bundles pull off nicely and I glued those around the rim of the hat.

image2 (2)Next, and I probably should have done this first, I glued to moss all on the top of the hat. The moss I have is VERY messy. Don’t be like me and do this on top of your computer. There is still moss in my keys. Once the horses had dried, ok maybe they were tacky, I glued them on all over the top.

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My husband’s hat was super easy; I just glued the horses on the ribbon around the hat. We did later add a poppy to it for a splash of color. We were having a hat making party at the neighbors and I cheated and went ahead and made my hat. Seriously though, I didn’t want to make the moss mess in their house. Though they don’t believe me.

And there you go a DT Derby hat. Enjoy some pics from the party!image3

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My truth

One of the best things I ever did for myself was quit my job. Ok, I’m not so far removed from it right now so it may turn out to be the worst thing I have ever done but in this moment I feel on top of the world compared to how I felt. There are so many stages of ‘what the fuck’ that I went through before I got to the glory land. The emotional crap that I was going through at work, the stress, the uncertainty, feeling like everything I did might get me fired. You can only walk on pins and needles so long before you step on the one that crushes your soul and I stepped on that one.

One Saturday morning I work up early, went to the bathroom, got back in bed, slept a few more hours. Woke up and stayed in bed. It was 10am, then it was noon, then it was 2pm. My husband was concerned. Neither of us had been sleeping well. The uncertainty with my job had been keeping us up at night. Not sleeping well through the night. But I couldn’t be that tired? And I wasn’t tired; I just couldn’t get out of bed, except to pee. I played on my phone stared at the wall. But I wasn’t getting out of bed, I couldn’t get out of bed. My husband laid down with me for a while put the dogs in the bed. And I laid there. Was I hungry? Nope, not at all.

Then my husband had his breaking point. It was 6pm and I was still in bed. He didn’t understand what was going on and at the time I didn’t really either. I had no desire to get out of bed, or eat, or watch TV, or be around another person, or probably even exist. I was nothing in those hours. I wasn’t suicidal, didn’t want to hurt myself or someone else. I just felt nothing. I had reached a point of depression that there was nothing there. And I couldn’t will anything into a thought of anything, just nothingness everywhere.

My husband begged and pleaded for me to get out of bed. He couldn’t help me and he couldn’t understand that. ‘Just please get out of bed, I’ll make dinner, what do you want? Please get out of bed. Just come sit on the couch with me and watch TV. Please get out of bed.’ So at 7pm I got out of bed and sat on the couch, nothing.  Kelsey brought me dinner. I ate it, nothing. No hunger no desire, nothing. We watched TV, nothing. Went to bed, nothing.

Got up the next day and I did get out of bed but not for me. I got out of bed because I could see what this was doing to my husband and I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want him to worry or cause him anymore stress. There was still no desire, just nothing. I can’t explain totally how I felt or why it hit me when it did. But not being able to get out of bed was the worst for me because I felt like I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t will myself to do anything. I knew it was time to leave my job, on my terms. Stop waiting for them to fire me or see if things get better. I had been in denial for too long.

K and I talked about it at length. I love my coworkers and it is a pretty cool job. But there was so much else that didn’t make any of it worth it. We figured out the math on our income and I put in my notice. Relief should have come over me and set me free but it didn’t. Even a week later I didn’t feel relief. As I started to tell me coworkers that I was leaving, I say shock on their face and then the most wonderful things came out of their mouth. If I had known quitting my job would boost my self-esteem I would have quit a long time ago! I was called sunshine and the only person they liked. What? They have to been kidding. Then person after person said the same thing. I called clients and told them I was leaving. One cried! One offered me a job! I was shocked. Someone else called me sunshine. What? The love I felt was over whelming. Wow! Did I really impact so many lives?

Now for those who have never worked in sales much less advertising sales, look up the memes. They are all true. It’s a hard life, full of money, and no time with your family or friends. Work hard play hard takes on a whole new meaning in advertising sales. There are nice sales people but no one would ever describe them as sunshine. They are honey badgers! Have you seen a honeyeater? Not a pretty sight.

Being a little over a month out from leaving my job I still feel so confident in my decision. The former coworkers that I still have lunch with and talk to often, the clients that I still talk to as friends, those who have offered me jobs or help looking, it was been overwhelming.  I appreciate everything that everyone has done for me during this transition. I feel like I have won the lottery in life. This is a far cry from how I felt a month or two months ago.

Relief didn’t come immediately. Depression just doesn’t go away after one good day or one good decision. Depression sucks and it is hard. More people need to talk about it publicly. You need to know it is ok to reach out for help. It is ok not to be able to make things better on your own. You will be ok. You can do this!